The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
