If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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