nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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