I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
