I didn't shave. On purpose
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
