I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
