dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
