The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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