my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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