i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
