Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
