You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
