you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
