i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
