Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
