it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize