tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There's always time for handjobs
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
false alarm, still single
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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