I can text with my tongue
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
