Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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