The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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