Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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