I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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