i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
