dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
