I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
