we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and she was petting her beer can
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
