How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
