im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
