Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
