She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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