It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
