just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize