first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
