Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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