Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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