don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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