If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
