i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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