you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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