are you so shy because you have an std?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
