My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
