Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
