just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
