she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
