the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
