R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
