Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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