just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
