its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
