Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
