I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
