walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
