I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
