I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
