I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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