so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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