Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
