Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just invented taco cereal.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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