She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize