bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
