Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
